Girl Power

Despite my being a girl, which many of my friends question anyway, I have a very hard time spending time around large groups of females. Somehow I can't get into the over abundance of physical affection and spattered compliments of how beautiful everyone looks. Its not that I can't engage in these activities, I'm actually rather good at it, its that I hate the person I am when doing so. Girls pose certain behavioral temptations to me that spending time with guys simply doesn't. I'm not talking about anything weird, I only mean that I turn into a back biting, friend stabbing bitch when I allow myself to be an active part of a group of girls like that. Although I have always done so, it has only been recently that I have recognized the problem and decided to make a change. And it has not been easy. In trying to eliminate harmful gossip from my life, I have simply turned to a different avenue... and once again find myself in a position where people think I am willing to be that person when I'm not. I want to be better than I have been, and not be someone who destroys others with my words.
On another note, I just can't get into the girl affection. To me, girlfriend physicality is somewhat limited. Its not that I am uncomfortable touching girls, cause I'm not. Within a dance context, I can roll all over the floor with a girl and not find anything weird or uncomfortable about it. Even in a chill, hanging out context, its not that I'm squeamish about such things, its just that, to me, that sort of thing, meaning cuddling, holding hands, telling each other how beautiful you are, is reserved for a dating relationship. I have been in "friendships" with girls that felt more like we were dating. And they suffocated me. I think this is just because I have a very low tolerance for estrogen. I have enough or my own, and chose not to act on it very severely, and so I don't give others much room to do so. And don't want to have to deal with girls who do act on their girly hormonies.
Perhaps it is not even the physicality and words, but the attitude behind it. I tell my roommates they are beautiful and notice when they look especially nice, as do they to me. But it doesn't feel weird like it does when there are 50 girls in a room together all telling each other how hot they are. Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that I get snarky, bitchy vibes than it has to do with the words themselves. The problem is that anyone of those girls is great if I'm hanging out with them one on one or with a couple other people. But you get half of a hundred girls together in a room, and I start to feel like I can't breath and need to run screaming for the door.
As hard as it is for me, I believe the things I am learning and the person I am becoming is totally worth the struggle I have. First of all, I get to dance, and that is the number one thing. Secondly, it is chipping away at certain ugliness in my character, something I am thankful for as much as it sucks. I believe through screwing up every time and trying to make a change that I am becoming stronger and more of the person that I want to be. And I suppose, in the long run, that the pain and discomfort is worth all of that.