So Many Thoughts...

Often times I am simply overwhelmed by thoughts. Other times, I am hard pressed to find one drifting in my head. The state that I am currently in is one of the former variety. I sit here, at my brand new desk that my Other of the Significant Variety built for me a few days ago, and look out an my view. This view consists of our driveway which leads behind our house to the townhouses situated there. I can also see Sierra's car. This is a view that often provides food for thought. More importantly, it gives me a breath of fresh air and glimpse of the sunny day. The air is perfect. There is a little breeze and our valley weather is at its least polluted. I have been bucking a sickness for a few days, but today seems better after several hours.

This is a day of significance. August 18th, my roommates birthday, my 6th month anniversary with Chris, a day that my brother is taking his youth group to have worship time with another group. I feel as though something earth shattering will happen today... More likely we will just celebrate my roomies birthday in style. Hawaiian cuisine is on the menu and I am so excited for it! Hopefully we can bribe a few Hawaiians to come with us to complete the experience.

As I sit here writing out my random thoughts, I feel like a professional. It has been a long time since I have had a designated work space and it does wonders for the old thinker. There is something about that designated space, that is piled up with all the junk you are working on right now: the 7 random books that are making little progress on completion, an unfinished piece of plywood, my old speakers, smelly stuff, sharpies, Filmore action figure, electric razor, 3 hole punch, roll of toilet paper, laser tag scores waiting to be framed, camera, Reader's Digest, favorite mug, bible, journal, Goodwill certificate, checkbook... These are just a few of things I am working on. The space is a little messy, but it is the space designated to be messy and so I have no complaints. The rest of my room is spotless and that is what really counts. Regardless, I am writing, and if it inspires me to do so, it has done its job.

This is a crazy time for most college students, being one of intense transition. I personally have been juggling job and school scheduling without knowing half of the information that it is essential for me to know to figure this out. I was forced to a conclusion yesterday, and here it is: Sometimes, all you can do is trust that God has a plan and go with the flow. This is not something I normally do well, being a planner. I like to know what I'm doing not next summer, but the summer following for work and vacation plans. Though my life plan does change often, I always have one. And when life gets in the way of my life plan, I sometimes get frustrated with the now that is interfering with my later. So I'm trying something different, cause I'm game for that as well. I find myself to be an odd mixture of the two, being a definite planner, but also being definitely game for many different things. Perhaps I force myself to be game so that the other isn't allowed to take over completely. Even now, as I sort through so many thoughts, I have so many others that will not make it onto this page, because you will find no enjoyment from it, but will continue to swim furiously, or rather drown actively, in different areas of my head all day. Good thing I am a lifeguard, and a list maker, otherwise the thoughts might drown for good.

I am starting a new job soon, though it will not make enough to cover all my expenses. You may ask, why would you work at a job that won't pay for everything? Because it is one of those jobs that will provide experience for the later and has little to do with the now. Of course, I will love the experience now, but the experience is for later, so that someday I can make a decent living doing what I am doing for very little money now. The money actually isn't terrible, I believe it will be a little over $10 an hour. But the hours are slim. Still I am thankful for the opportunity, even though I will have to work Saturdays. On some level, I feel like an impostor and that somehow I lied about my experience... Even though I didn't! I just feel nervous entering a new environment with very little direction as it will be a good deal of responsibility. But again, God has a plan for this too and will enable me to do what I have to do. Good thing too... I am not in the mood to drown in my thoughts or my new job.

Summer Blues

And so here I sit, or rather lay, in the midst of summer and zero thoughts hoping that something will magically flow from my fingertips as I force them to scurry over a keyboard. This is by far my least favorite part about my least favorite season, the lack of thought and intellectual stimulation. So far, I have read little, written less, and watched more movies than I am willing to admit. Summer used to be my favorite season, as it is for many kids, but of late it has been unquestionably my least favorite, the bane of my intellectual existence, and here is why: Summer is an illusion. For 12+ years we are led to believe that summer is a time to lay around and veg out, which I suppose it is for children who spend their lives in a school all year long. But this is yet another one of those scary childhood illusions that you will be knocked out of as soon as you start thinking about your own money and must survive, even during the hot sticky months of June, July, August, and sometimes September. Everyone else in the world, namely adults, works throughout the summer. And thank goodness! If the rest of my natural life were to be cursed with these three months I may not respect the man who invented the three month break's natural life as well as I ought. I greatly look forward to a day where my job will run year round and I will have occupation even on the hottest and most miserable day of the year.

There is something so disturbing about having your thoughts stop, unless of course they have never begun in the first place. This is the exact place of disturbance that I have found myself for the past two and a half months, one of total and complete dead brain. This is unusual for me. My problem is usually the reversal, an inability to turn my thoughts off rather than trouble starting them in the morning and keeping them running throughout the day. My greatest desire in the morning when I wake up is to do something worthwhile in the form of writing. Even if it isn't a great work, something that will get the rusty gears turning and challenge someone's thoughts. Instead of doing this however, I usually open a page to my blog and to my journal, hoping that something will write itself and inevitably walk away with both still blank. It is as though I were trying to go somewhere splendid and just as I climb into my car, cute and primped and smelling great, it decides to take a vacation and not start. I sit in my driveway, turning the key over time and time again with no result. My problem? I don't ever get out and look under the hood! I haven't done any work, but simply hope and expect the problem to fix itself. Unfortunately, as I'm sure those of you who have ever faced a problem before will know, they rarely do so without some kind of work, even if it is only the work of working the problem out in one's head, there is still effort involved.

Of course I would do so, that is work the problem, get out and look under my hood, except that the time of year that I find myself in tells me not to work. Everything that has ever directed my thoughts on summer has told me not to do any work. This creates a serious battle when my learned behavior and the necessity of living and functioning come head to head. As you can see, the latter came out ahead this time, as I have indeed written a blog. Perhaps not an overtly interesting one, but still a decently long one. And despite how good it may or may not be, it has provided me with a sense of accomplishment and will save the creator of the three month break's natural life a few more hours at least of natural functioning.

Trapped!

In this phantom that we call reality, there are real scares, and surreal scare. When you lay in your bed at night, afraid to move because you know as soon as you do something will grab you, and then get up in the morning to find nothing unusual about your room, that is known as a surreal scare. The experience I underwent today, was a real scare. Home improvement stores have got to be the most intimidating out of them all. To begin with, they are so freaking HUGE. There is no feasible way to navigate around these institutions. Oh, sure you can look up at the signs and pretend you know what your doing, but really, you're stumbling around hoping you will come across the desired item. This is how I entered Lowe's this evening in quest of two pieces of tile. I was actually surprised at my intuition upon finding that the flooring section was not in the front, I headed to the back. Now, I don't know how much time you spend in home improvement stores, so I don't know if you realize there are literally a million different types of tile. I walked around four different aisles hoping that I'd see the thing I was looking for. Of course, when I did find it, I was on the first aisle I had gone down. As I stared at 15 kinds of tile, I drew a blank as to whether my dad wanted the same kind we already had, or if he wanted a new kind. And I didn't have any cell service. This was my first clue to the fact that I was in a frightening situation. So, I stood looking and picking up, and turning over too many kinds of tile. Once I had picked one out, I would find that the edge was wrong, and I would begin my search again. Going with the better safe than sorry motto, which I don't even buy into, I picked out what I thought was the same tile as we already had. The mind control had already begun to have it's affects on me. It took me a year to get back to the check out. Have I mentioned that that place is HUGE? I couldn't decide which line would be quicker, and so I simply picked one, which turned out to be the slow line. Just as I was about to set my items down, I was called over to the other check stand. They had started to try to control my reactions, and like an idiot, I fell for it, and did as I was summoned. The total cost of my purchase was only $1.96, when I thought the price on them was $3.49 each. They were trying to confuse me. And it was working. Finally, I grabbed my bag, and was told to have a good afternoon... at 6:30 in the evening. It was certainly a close call. They almost had me. I went for the exit sign, but found myself blocked off. Wow, now I feel stupid, I thought as I went back around and headed for the exit sign as another angle. But no, it was blocked off that way too. I was nearing panic. I no longer felt stupid. I felt trapped! I almost made a break and ran the wrong way through the entrance doors, but one of the conspirators was right there, and I knew he would catch me. I turned, at a lose for my life. I was going to be in this store for the rest of my life, probably mining coal in their secret underground prison. It was at this very opportune moment, that one of the conspirators took pity on me, and opened the secret portal that let me out. I made some comment about being trapped, that they thought I meant as a joke. Good thing they believed so. Other wise I might not have made it out alive.