I'm Not Mature Enough to Grow Up

It has been a long time since I have written simply for the sake of writing. It is something I used to do often, almost everyday. But somewhere over the last several months it just fell off the radar. It shouldn't have happened, as now I find myself in great need of that outlet. Overwhelmed with thoughts and observations, I pick up my keyboard pen once again to disclaim things about my life and perspective that you would never get out of me in normal conversation. Call it a fourth wall or whatever, I am able to communicate quite effectively through words on paper, a gift I have long been aware of, but have neglected of late. My thoughts turn to this last term and the crazy things that went on. My lack of writing has definitely not been for lack of material but simply a lack of time and inclination. Because of this, I now find my thoughts so backed up that I don't know where to start. The term is what you could easily term miserable. I was far too busy and far too starved for normal human interactions and so completely lost focus of the things I truly believe to be important. The first of these being dance, I was unable to focus in rehearsal for the greater part of the term. It was a chore to even be there, since my heart wasn't in it. I don't know if that is quite accurate, actually... Nowhere along the line have I lost my love and desire for dance. But my relationship with it has been changing drastically, and that is hard to take when it has been very consistent for my entire life. It hasn't even been a bad change, rather it has been very positive and maturing. It is just one of those things that is hard despite how much I desire it. I finally did get into it at the end of the term, when a performance required it of me, but then my other classes suffered. I think the biggest thing for me this term was that I was completely overloaded. I always thought I was one of those people who could overload and still be happy and get stuff done. Well I discovered an important truth about myself this term.... I'm not. I dreaded everything I had to get done, including getting up in the morning and eating. Every task that required something of me was just another thing pulling on me and making me tired. And so I just didn't get stuff done... which is definitely not like me. Of course, because it was such an awful, dramatic experience, I know I have grown from it. In fact I've had several 'growing up' experiences in the last couple days that have terrified and unnerved me. I came to the realization that I am now fully an adult. I will always have that 'inner child,' if you will, but as far as my core, and especially my appearance, there is nothing about me that is kid-like anymore. Its kind of sad, to come to that realization that your childhood is gone. But at the same time, I'm ready for it to be so. More than anything, it is just odd. Like all kids, I never appreciated my childhood while it lasted, which was not long, and now that it is gone, I'm not sure how to adjust. I was looking at some pictures from a few months ago and had to stop and scream... literally, scream, actually, because that is what we do in my house (just because I'm fully an adult doesn't mean I'm fully mature:) because the person who I thought was me isn't me anymore. I have changed so much since I moved out of my house and started fending for myself, that I feel as though I'm not even the same person. That person is part of who I am now, but there is so little of that girl in me anymore, that I just had to scream. I wonder if I met the person that I was a year ago if we would be friends...? Huh... The third realization, and by far the most terrifying and unnerving, enough to make me throw up my hands and scream I surrender to the big scary life monster, was that there is nothing within me that is at all interested in boys anymore. It was just a little over a year ago that I saw a guy from my childhood who had become a man and my first reaction was, “Ew, a man!” And now the only humans of the male variety I will ever be interested in my life, ever again... are men. What is it that makes someone stop being a child and start being a man or woman? I think that the change is for the most part subtle and steady, but the final product has a way of coming up behind you and throwing a lasso around your neck, pulling tight until your emotions turn purple and you are required to scream, as I was the other day, with the minimal amount of air left in your lungs, after seeing pictures from my childhood... Which was still in existence only 6 months ago. It has been happening a lot lately, too. I have casually seen pictures of people from my childhood and it is interesting (by interesting I mean terrifying and unnerving) to see who have become adults and who are still just kids. It is odd to me that so many of the people I am friends with now have been witnesses to the change, whether they have been aware or not. When I came here to dance, I was a kid. Now, under a year later, I am an adult. There's really no going back from that...