Madonna wrote a book called Sex, because she was brilliant enough to realize that sex sells. She was arguably one of the earliest mainstream sex marketers. Good job, Madonna.
What she has helped accomplish for societal views is tragic, not just for the mainstream, but for young Christians as well. I had a chance conversation about sex with some friends and realized some truths and faced some irritating opinions that I was forced to grapple with.
I was raised to wait until marriage to have sex. Not meaning that I would get married and then sleep around, but that my sex life would be completely monogamous, in that only one man will ever be intimate with me in that way. Even so, I was encouraged to be excited for the occurrence of my marriage so that I could (finally!) have sex. I was raised with the healthy view that sex is fun, even inside marriage. While I am still excited to have passionate sex with my husband, my views are changing drastically.
It was an offhand comment that caused my brain wheels to start whirring. Someone mentioned how their abstinent roommate was "obsessed with sex." Despite just sounding unhealthy, to me this is setting oneself up for painful disaster. These words were followed by the explanation that said roommate planned to use jumbo tampons for a week to get herself ready for the wedding night. The ignorance in that statement irritated me. Who is neglecting to talk to this girl about sex so that she doesn't have such misconstrued ideas? Unfortunately for her and her comfort over the course of the honeymoon, the action of placing a tampon and the act of sex are two very, very different things. A friend of this roommate's, who cried the first time she and her new husband had intercourse because the pain was so intense, said that the tampons wouldn't help, that she would be in pain for days. On top of this, I have a friend who is soon-to-be-married who freely admits that her husband-to-be will be so overcome by the accessibility of her body to his, that he will go for it with a vengeance and hurt her.
This divulgence led me from irritation at young girl's ignorance to near anger at young men's Neanderthal, animalistic urges. It is the man's responsibility to take care of his new wife, not hurt her and leave her sore for the remainder of the honeymoon. This demands holding off his own urges to make sure that the experience is enjoyable for her as well. This probably means you won't be "doing it" the first night. If a girl has waited her whole life to give herself completely to one man, than she is not ready for the complete act the first time and needs to be treated gently. This possibly means, gentlemen, that you will have to hold off for several days and try something new, like putting someone else's comfort and satisfaction ahead of your own. Its not the end of the world. She will have lots of times over her lifetime where she won't even enjoy the act. Plus, you have your whole lives to get it right, so calm the hell down and be gentle. Enjoy the process. Sex is not the end product or the goal. It is not the finish line!
I have thought a lot on these events and attitudes over the last few days and forced to come to terms with why it bothers me so much, the reason being is that this thinking is the same that led Madonna's book to be a best seller, it is the same attitude that makes pornography popular and sex trafficking possible. It is a blatant, disgusting worship of sex. You head into marriage with that attitude, and you are going to be sorely disappointed.
The problem with this thinking is the misconception that sex is the be all and end all of married life, when really, it is only a part. It is a definite and important part, and of course we all have those desires, naturally, but there is so much more to it than that. Obviously, I don't know all that that entails, but I do know that sex only makes up a portion of what marriage is about, and thank God. If that was all there was too it, I would be in grave fear of getting bored. After all, there are only so many positions you can do it in. And devoid of a deep, meaningful, intimate, beautiful, God honoring relationship without any physicality first, sex is just an animal instinct, something that will get old and moldy.
I believe that sex is a gift that God has given us to enhance a married relationship (and to make babies of course), but it is not the only gift meant for enhancing such a relationship. I don't know what the others are, but I am excited to find out someday. As far as I am concerned, I would rather go my whole life in a committed relationship with a person who "completes me," who teaches me about myself and God, who loves everything about me, but not to the point of blinding him to my flaws and never having sex than having steamy, impassioned sex everyday of my life devoid of that.
The beautiful thing about marriage and sex working together is that it doesn't really matter if you "get it right;" it doesn't matter if you can't "perform," because not only is there always going to be another time, but it is centered around an existing relationship that demands you love and comfort each other no matter what, leading to greater intimacy. Obviously and honestly, I don't really know what sex does for a marriage. I've heard people call it the cement to a relationship, but that doesn't quite resonate. As I said before, I am simply excited to find out, but not staking my happiness on "great sex" inside my marriage. My marriage will be based on something much deeper and infinitely more satisfying than gratifying an inborn, human drive.
You are not alone in your sentiments about what sex truly is nor what it means to you. There are many who share your view; however, and quite sadly, they are few and far between. Don't lose heart though, as this world can become discouraging with the lies and twisted truths that have been created.
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