Imaginary Expectations

When I pictured myself as a college graduate, I assumed I’d be doing vigorous job hunting while taking dance classes and enjoying everything that a city has to offer, especially after the painfully small existence in little bitty Monmouth. I’ve always been a daydreamer. When I am expectant of big news, I build a picture of what it will look like in my head. People look a certain way, I act a certain way. And let me tell you, I always have it together. I’m always brilliant and active and influential in my imaginings and never prone to the slip-ups that happen in real life.

The problem is that the way I picture things in my head, the way people look, the way I act, is rarely how things actually turn out. This does not deter my imaginings in the least, but it does make the change a bit of a shock.

The picture I had built up in my head for post-graduation couldn’t be farther from what is has turned out to be. Three days before graduation, I was given news by the doctor that my chronic ankle injury would go on being chronic no more. As is turns out, a bone bruise is actually a pretty serious injury. While all my tendons, ligaments, and cartilage are perfectly healthy, I have been almost entirely restricted from the use of my foot. Obviously, this has had a drastic effect on my post-graduation expectations.

I thought I would be diligently looking for a job. What I am actually doing is tentatively looking for a job because the reality is that I won’t be much use to an employer since I can’t be on my feet for more than about a half an hour. Taking dance classes was also a big part of my plan, while what I am doing is as many floor exercises as I can think of so that I won’t lose all my conditioning and can still feel a bit like a dancer. And as far as taking in all the excitement a city has to offer, so far I have sat in a couple coffee shops to read and people watch, and I made one trip to the grocery store by myself on my bike. Even without all the details of my imaginary picture of success, the difference is horribly undeniable.

After four weeks spent almost entirely on the couch, I am finally coming out of my state of total gloom. Most of the work that I have done as a college graduate has been cognitive; I’m working to improve my outlook and mood in general to give my body the tools it needs to heal. Let me tell ya, its pretty difficult to remain positive when cable, internet, and solitaire are your constant companions. But I am improving and becoming a more self-sufficient person overall.

My boyfriend challenged me the other day to find something I’m passionate about in recovery. There are several things I’m passionate about. Obviously, dance is very near the top of my list. The difficulty of this challenge is finding something I’m passionate about that can be done while sitting and resting a bum foot. Most of the things I enjoy are physical activities, such as rock climbing, long boarding, and of course, dancing. I have been forced to abstract the message in order to find something applicable to my situation.

First of all, I am passionate about helping people. This presents an issue since most of the helping I picture in my mind includes leg work. The suggestions I have received have been knitting or croqueting garments for people in need. Upon questioning from my boyfriend, I admitted that I do knit, though not well. But certainly well enough to knit blankets for newborns or scarves for homeless people.

Secondly, I am passionate about writing. This seems an obvious one, since you have to sit still in order to write. But I have a personal problem with this particular activity since if it doesn’t come easily, I don’t do it. Fortunately, this links back to the improvement in my mood and being able to express myself because I feel good about myself. Evidently, I am writing now and bringing you this great piece of work from the comfort of the couch.

While post-graduation is not what I expected or hoped for, I think it’s nothing more than a challenge to expand my own creativity. When I was in school I made the excuse that I didn’t have time for things because I was so busy. Now given the time, I make another set of excuses and just watch TV instead of getting things done. But with a long stretching summer in front of me, with no job and no dance, I am learning to embrace activities that I have always had excuses for. While this grows from necessity, it is nonetheless a great improvement.